10:30 pm. I fall into a fitful sleep, lists, to-do's, and should-have's running through my head.
12:00 am. I wake up, burning hot, throw off the covers, and try to drift off while listening to my husband snoring beside me.
12:25 am. Realize that the effort is futile and get out of bed. At least I can check some things off that list.
1:00 am. Tears fall into a sink full of sudsy water as I come to the realization that my expectations are out of control. My kids aren't perfect angels anymore, and I feel like I'm drowning in self doubt. My husband inadvertantly set me off this afternoon by inviting friends over for dinner. The house isn't ready. He offered to call them back, but my Martha Stewart ideals won't let me cancel plans already made. "That would be stupid," I said, all the while fuming at myself and at him. We made a fragile peace, but he doesn't understand. I don't understand either.
1:30 am. I take a break to gather myself back together. I try to pray, but I know the answer. Let it go. I scrub on...